An Open Letter to all Americans
on the Subject of Beer
from your old friends the British
Dear Americans,
We are here to help. That yellow bubbly substance that you
affectionately call “lite beer” is
not beer. Not at all.
Beer, real ale, is crafted using
water, malted barley, hops and yeast, creating a brown, delicious bubble-free
nectar of the gods. It should be capped
with a white frothy head at least an inch tall.
That stuff that you like to drink
too late at night on your holiday weekends in the back of your pick-up trucks
upsetting the peace and quiet at the campgrounds of your National Parks (which
are very lovely by the way), is nothing more than 7-Up with a wee bit of food
coloring thrown in. It looks like horse
urine and doesn’t taste a whole lot better.
Beer is supposed to be stored at
room temperature which, where we live, is a tepid 57° on most days. It is drawn - or draught, hence the name - from a cask by means of a wooden
handle. Please note the spelling of draught, not draft which is what your government employed to make you fight in
the Vietnam War against your will.
While we’re on the subject of
spelling, please note that the word light
is spelled L-I-G-H-T, the same as
bright or fright. Lite is not
actually a word and should not be allowed.
Look it up. We invented the
language.
After beer is pulled from the cask
(that’s a wooden hand-crafted barrel in case you’re not sure), it is to be
poured slowly at precisely a 60° angle into a beer mug, one made of pewter or
glass, equipped with a handle. This
exact measurement will procure the desired one inch head. Real beer in casks
should never be artificially pressurized. Adding a combination of carbon
dioxide and nitrogen to pressurize your kegs is neither funny nor clever.
We disapprove that you have now
invented labels that change color to tell you that your “beer” is cold. Apparently it’s becoming too difficult a task
for you to pick up the bottle and feel the temperature against your clammy
hand. We have been informed that you can
now go to a “liquor store” (whatever
that is) and buy “lite beer” bottles
in boxes that are already built as coolers.
Is it really that hard to open a box and transfer the bottles yourself
into a cooler, one that you can store in your over-sized garage and use again
next time?
Please be advised that Her
Majesty’s Government has issued a proclamation declaring that “lite beer” is no longer to be referred
to as “beer” at all. Please refrain from all usage of the term
immediately. You may choose an alternate
name from among the following:
“lemonade”
“gnat’s piss”
“yellowy water with bubbles in it”
or
“oh my gracious what is this foul-tasting
sack?”
Thank you for your understanding
and cooperation.
love,
The British